I’m sure this is not the first place you’ve seen the news that Elliot Mintz has parted company with Paris Hilton and her family, in the wake of his disastrous, failed attempt to take the blame for her probation violation. For giving this testimony, he was rebuked by Superior Court Judge Michael Sauer, who all but called him a liar.
Which also meant Paris Hilton was, in the judge’s eyes, a liar, because she testified she relied on Mintz’ shaky grasp of the law before deciding whether to get behind the wheel with her suspended license. Combined with Hilton showing up to court 10 minutes late–an offense that by itself can get you a night behind bars–her lack of credibility earned her a 45 day sentence in an especially scary jail.
To Mintz, Hilton’s sentence was The Call. Like the general of a failed army, like a CIA spy caught behind enemy lines by the Russkies, like a samurai warrior following his master into the Next World, Elliot Mintz was required by the unwritten code of public relations to commit ritual suicide — figuratively, of course, via an apology. His words do contain echoes of another time, when honor mattered:
“The day after the hearing, I sent Paris an e-mail expressing my sadness over the ruling of the judge and the irrational sentence he imposed.”
“In that e-mail [to Paris],” Mintz said in his message to PEOPLE, “I also offered my sincerest apology for any misunderstanding she received from me regarding the terms of her probation. To the extent that I have miscommunicated information I received from her attorneys … I am deeply and profoundly sorry.”
He added, “I told her that I assume personal responsibility for my part in this matter.”
The message continues: “I believe when Paris stated in court that she believed it was o.k. for her to drive under certain circumstances she was being absolutely truthful.
“Due to this misunderstanding, I am no longer representing Paris.”
He concludes, “For the record, I have nothing but love and respect for Paris and her family. Paris is a wonderful person and does not deserve the punishment that was handed down by the court. I only wish her my best.”
He might have gone on to say:
But I’ve got a job to do, too. Where I’m going, you can’t follow. What I’ve got to do, you can’t be any part of. Ilsa, I’m no good at being noble, but it doesn’t take much to see that the problems of three little people don’t amount to a hill of beans in this crazy world. Someday you’ll understand that. Now, now… Here’s looking at you kid.
But she probably wouldn’t have gotten the reference. Oh well. Such is life for a 62-year-old man who once helped John & Yoko turn on the world, but will forever be remembered* for his post-midnight drive to a hospital to tell Paris Hilton what to say about her monkey.
Elliot Mintz is now a free man**, which is more than I can say for the rest of us, still forced to watch this cipher’s endless and inescapable reality show. Unlike Mintz, we’ll always have Paris.
*Times Select, subscription required.